Speak

it happened again. If I do not come up with a way to deal with these desires, with the want for a woman not as an object but as a living breathing being. I cannot separate those feelings from <redacted> lately.

Maybe that is what she sees in <Redacted>.

Maybe that is what <redacted> sees in <redacted>?

When I say that I am in love with a woman, why? Why am I in love with a woman who’s a complete stranger to me? I look at a woman, since the teenage years, as a place for me to lose myself inside. I run away in the ideas I have in how I want to do with them. However, they need to be comfortable with those sensations or desires that I have for them.

I question whether or not these women want to be with me for any particular reason. If you love some one, what inspires them to love you or care about you?

I care about <redacted>, but why? Is it behind his kindness,that he didn’t run away despite everything that I did to him or even who I was in the past? I talked about this to myself earlier, I can only say, romantically, I loved maybe two women in this lifetime. <redacted> and <redacted> Two women that I modeled or at least one who acts as the permanent marker for or comparison to every other woman I run into. Why was I attracted to <redacted> in the first place? Where did I get the idea that she is someone that I wanted to spend time with for the rest of my life? Was it a matter of some one else, that someone being <redacted> giving me the idea that she was the one?

<redacted> is saying I need to find someone whose more of a compliment to me, but I cannot for the life of me think of who is a good compliment or anything that I would need for a woman. Thus the vicious cycle I outlined in the beginning.

I want badly to be with a woman, but, on the inside, I am expecting for this mystery girl to come along, being completely compatible with me instead of vice versa. These discussions frustrate me, since, out of one side of <redacted>’s mouth, he believes there is someone, anyone out there whose a good fit for me. But, the statement is a sweeping generic comment without any true merit. Rhetoric. You’re telling me,

“There is a woman out there for you, whose going to compliment your personality and decision making in a great way. I do not know who this person is, but you will find her, she is not going to fall in your lap but, she will come to you if you give enough patience to the process. No, not her,she is too immature and that one does not compliment you at all. Shes out there, I do not know who she is, but she exists.”

In the grand scheme of his relationship with <redacted>, <redacted> is not going to care about the outcome of my life or not. Why allow him to if I cannot guarantee safety in his limited knowledge or wisdom?

A number of people have come forward,either early in their relationships or completely new to their situation. Why are you encouraged to give me advice when 1/5th of the knowledge you’re giving to me, is not right. When I spent time by myself,doing all that I could to avoid triggers in me emotionally, I balanced out. Why? I focused on inner peace. The turmoil brought on with new relationships and handling complicated circumstances with the opposite sex has only thrived to be a toxic, venomous outcome for me mentally.

I only related to pain when I experienced love. Why? As a youth, a woman took advantage of those often positive attributes over time, spewing their acidic outlook on life as the sour experiences only proved difficult in their up bringing. Why is he so happy and looking forward to such positive things on a daily basis? He has nothing more than a limited viewpoint of the world, the terrible people in the world and those looking to hurt him out of a selfish desire to be miserable.

That viewpoint, bargaining for pleasure is a view of the world. Go out, fulfill the desires of your heart without respect for anyone else. According to <redacted>, <redacted> and <redacted>, I should stay. I need to stick around them, because being uncomfortable for the comfort of another person is love. Since this other individual is incapable of being on their own, without others involvement, they want everyone to spend time on their behalf satisfied their fetid desire to be happy.

What is the purpose in a parasitic relationship? If I am going to be uncomfortable, then I should experience some return in the process. No, time will tell me how I will proceed. I am better suited to go on about my business, kindly refuse to spend time with anyone and work on improving the relationship I have with my mental stability in this junction also known as life.

I lied to myself too often, in fact, I’ve stunted my intuition by not following that small voice in my head in favor for someone else’s. Not a person alive, either my father or <redacted> have been the best suited for giving me advice. I am not noticing any improvement since I headed anyone else’s words. why bother right?

In the grand scheme, they failed. Many women have sought out to try and help me, when the help they are presenting is futile since I am or have been taught, by example of my mother and some of my father to operate as an analytical sociopath.

When they look back on the sordid little tale of the weird boy who was raised individually by one woman long distance, another in his own household and a father who bent over backwards for his family. they can write out the architecture for building a broken man who will not let anyone inside mentally. I will not let anyone else in my heart. Why? Why force myself to make someone comfortable because they simply like me? Liking me hasn’t quite gotten the monkey off of my back about sexual desires nor has it paid my bills, my abilities and my respect for others has often combined for some further respect.

That is truth. That is the reality I live in. Sad little world, it will get better. I had to pull my head out of my ass and realize I am not the gift to people that I thought I am.

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